After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
