my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
