At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
