Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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