another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
where are you?
Hypothermia
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
