I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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