it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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