Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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