Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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