Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
