the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
