So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize