I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I showed him my bush... on skype.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
