I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
