can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
