I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
