i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
