If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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