I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i wish my penis had a tongue
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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