Having a random hookup so left but love u
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
