i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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