I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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