he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
it was like having sex with a tree stump
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
