My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
