did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
