Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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