When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
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I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
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The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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