sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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