I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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