ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
