I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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