my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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