i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
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i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
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Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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