her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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