There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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