Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
