Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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