fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
