you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
