Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
