I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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