Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
