take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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