highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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