Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
