): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
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I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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