I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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