I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
