oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
