the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
