Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
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And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
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I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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