I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
