I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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