I'm sorry my penis didn't work
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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